Having good self-esteem requires a strong desire to be the best version of yourself. It requires the strength to face your own demons, such as insecurity, emotional dependence, lack of love, or abandonment, which are often ghosts that haunt our thoughts every minute.
Self-esteem develops in childhood, from whether we were desired by our parents to how we were loved by them and our grandparents. Family is the main factor that influences your self-esteem. However, just because you didn’t have a family that provided little love and attention doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. Your past doesn’t define your future, but your present does! Because as children, we were defenseless against any stimulus, good or bad, and as adults or adolescents, we are already aware of who we are and, if not, who we want to be. Emotional wounds often leave their mark on us; they are small scars or tattoos that no one notices, but we do, and they are not pleasant.
No matter how many we have, we shouldn’t let them influence our way of being, much less our relationships. An adult who gives up is mediocre, a teenager who gives up is a coward, and a child who gives up is a neglectful parent. We can all be our best selves as long as we have the courage to face our fears and be better. Everything will be easier. I always tell my patients, “It’s going to hurt a lot, but in the end, it will be worth it because you’ll feel not only better, but more proud of who you’ve become.”
There’s a metaphor I always use with teenagers:
“It’s the eagle’s rebirth. It’s its way of self-destructing to be reborn. It plucks out its feathers one by one, it tears off the talons on its feet and beak, rubbing them against rocks until they fall off. All this to have stronger feathers that give it greater agility and speed in flying. It plucks out its talons and beak so they grow back stronger so it can catch and devour its prey. However, it’s a slow and painful process that takes time, and survival becomes a challenge to prove whether it deserves to live or is a weak specimen and die.”
Building our own self-esteem will sometimes be the same, as we must remove the masks that helped us survive in order to create the one that allows us to live. We must remove crutches, excuses, and justifications for why we are the way we are and face the fact that we are not our best selves. Until then, we must scratch and scratch, but in the end, nothing can destroy what we have achieved or who we have become, because it will be the best we can be on our own. It is not makeup, it is not surgery, it is our inner selves, and no one can touch, hurt, or change that.
Finally, I highly recommend starting a therapeutic process, as this journey can be difficult over time, and from time to time, you need someone who will not help you change but rather accompany and guide you. The role of psychotherapy in the area of self-esteem is solely to accompany and strengthen the confidence of those who have the courage to be who they truly are.
